Monday, August 3, 2009
The Heart vs. The Head
One of the themes in my book, No Ordinary Justice, is that the female character does not want the man who's good for her, but can't stop thinking about the one that just makes her feel good. Why won't the heart do what the head tells it to? Is it better to go with the "smart" choice for a relationship (someone who looks good on paper), or just throw caution to the wind and go with that "feeling" (someone who gives you butterflies), even if it's an enormous risk? If a person goes with the head, is it settling? If s/he goes with the heart, is it foolish?
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A lot of people believe it is foolish to follow your heart. But if you are really happy (even if it is a choice desirable to others) be happy. You have to follow that gut feeling. And you want to live with regrets.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand following your head is not settling. Settling is when yo just put up with anything for love one, so you won't be alone or to prove someone else wrong. Settling is the worse thing someone can do. You are not being fair to you. And you probably have major self esteem issues.
What people need to do is use your head. You know if a person is a lying cheating dog or a self centered gold digger. We know what type of mates we attract and what we are dealing with. So use your head to figure who you are dealing with. And figure what kinds of butterflies you want to feel? Cause Love is different from Lust!
You know what I mean by "butterflies." In my book, I show how dangerous they can be, how self-destructive they can turn. I know women who have those kind of passionate feelings and they are willing to take care of their men, meaning pay the majority of the bills, cook his food, take care of his random kids, deal with him not coming home...I've never seen this until my adulthood. I just never saw this growing up; my mother was the opposite.
ReplyDeleteBut then there are the dudes who are treating their women well, provide for their families,are educated, have good credit, etc., but they just lack....swagger. They don't 'get you going.' You can't teach someone how to make you weak in the knees.
How many women do you know who have both qualities in their man(and remember, most women lie to make it appear that their man is more than he is)?
I don't believe you can get all these qualities in one man. He is one in a million. Most college grads are kneed deep in debt (no good credit) and materialistic (not worried about providing for the fam, he worried about the lastest car he needs). And you know plenty of chicks in York that are taking care of their men, his children, his bills and his belly (but I might say in Philly that is real common, those chicks love to take of their men, lawlessness).
ReplyDeleteI a women who is settling, she is a top exec. who has multiple degrees, who owns her house and car. She married some local who ain't worth nothing, is not on her level at all. She wanted him because he had a known name, is sick of be lonely and her clock was ticking. Then I know someone was has a man who works, gets money, loves the kids, give her everything she wants (including black eyes. She is with im because she is stable. And i know a couple that is disfunctional it make no sense. She got a lot of kids with different dads, he a got a lot of kids.He can't keep a job and drinks too much. She works hard and yells too much. They have crzy age gap. But for real for real they are really in love. They were meant to be together (the things that happened before they got are different).
So you have to make the best of it, and use that gut feeling. Cause in their heads the first two know (that man ain't worth nothing and the other one just wants to be lazy, she is not in love either) they ain't happy. They last one looks ina mess, but is really in love.
Dont be fooled by the hype. Relationships strive for a number of reasons and love changes things. But as people grow within a relationship they have to learn to grow together rather than individually. Its mythical to believe that either the head or the heart will lead anyone to absolute happiness. The initial novelty can leave hearts warped and misguided. Using logic can lead couples astray feeling isolated but stable/mundane. As with most issues in relationships, there needs to be a compromise. A compromise is a reflection of two people wanting to make it happen. For instance,a man or woman can possess qualities that satisfy the heart and head. But having anything absolute, like a dude with total swagger but cant spell it is a no no. And likewise for a person that has good credit, education, etc.
ReplyDeleteAnother part of the problem is that women dont know what they want and usually have to crush a few hearts to realize their happiness is based on someone that exists only on paper and in dreams.
Perhaps it is foolish to look for anything absolute. However, I don't think it has to do with compromise as much as "settling". Think about it-how many couples do you know who have lifelong, healthy, happy marriages that still have that spark and honor the vows? I don't know any. Not one. The relationships/marriages that I know of that have lasted the test of time lack spark, conversation, respect, fidelity, etc. They are SETTLING. The husband has decided that it's 'cheaper to keep her'. And the wife has decided that she may as well stick around since there aren't too many other fish in the sea. These people are miserable and have become numb. They have given up on the butterflies and in-depth conversation. They are just...cohabitating. It's cheaper and less of a hassle to just deal with it, even if it happens to be boring and empty. Besides, most people who have reached this point have something on the side anyway...which brings me to my next point.
ReplyDeleteMany people who are in these seemingly happy marriages have figured out the secret that nobody wants to talk about or admit: YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL, BUT JUST NOT IN ONE PERSON. So, these people have the responsible, hard-working mate at home who bores them to death, and they have something spicy on the side who is interesting and intriguing and makes them laugh but just has no stability or benefits. This is the dire truth of it. Justice, the male character in my book, attempts to do this. He keeps several women around who take care of several very different needs. People in real-life do the same, and to everyone on the outside looking in, these people have long, healthy marriages.
For me it's hard to really say because there are pros and cons to both. The only thing that matters in the end is your true happiness. But depending on the situation and relationship you are in,can make you seem like the selfish one.The only way it seems is to have two people that make you happy. But that workds for men more than women because if women have it that way, they are considered to be a whore. But I like what you are saying about your book. I definately will check it out.
ReplyDelete