Take Your Family in Doses

Take it from me, because I come from a loud, nosey-bodied family. The type of people who sit around listening for info they can repeat to someone else over a beer and a ciggy. People who have no problem telling you that "you've put on a little weight" or that "you probably shouldn't wear white to your wedding." People with too much free time on their hands.

Don't get me wrong-I love my fam...even the drunks, the ex-cons, the unambitious, and the derelicts. But too many times have I made the mistake of divulging info that went a long way and was completely distorted by the time it made its way back to me. You could tell someone that your man is on probation, and Grandma Odessa would change it to "you know her man is on parole, right?" You could tell someone that you have decided to downsize and move into a smaller place and Cousin Day-Day would change it to, "Did you hear she got evicted?" Okay, so I don't have a Grandma Odessa or a Cousin Day-Day, but you get the point.

Why do families do this? Trust and believe, I've been guilty of it, too. I've found myself on the phone gossiping about cousin So-and-so having yet another baby to yet another different man, or about Aunt So-and-so claiming Aunt Such-and-such's kids on her income taxes to get a bigger refund.

So what do a lot of us do? We disappear. We grow up, get educated, move away, get married, start new families and avoid our extended families unless somebody dies or somebody manages to throw together a family reunion. And even then, we book a hotel room and keep the visit short and sweet. And before we get there, we brief our kids and significant others on just what info can be shared and what info needs to stay "exclusive." I can count on one hand how many times I've flown home.

At the end of the day, family is family. This avoiding technique does a disservice to future generations to come. As much as I don't want my daughter around my cousin who's peddling stolen "designer" bags and bootleg DVD's, or the grandmother who is a pathological liar and feeds the children hog maws and chitterlings behind our backs, I must realize that these people...are MY people. They are part of that tree one which my own children are branched and connected. It's not just about me! So, I know can't choose my family. But I must look at the bigger, more selfless picture, and learn to deal with them...in doses.

Bag Lady...

It's spring cleaning in autumn! Now is the time to get rid of your baggage.

Forgiveness

So, the last guy cheated on you...let it go and stop following your new man with your headlights off and going through his cell phone. So, the last woman stole from you...stop placing hidden cameras around your crib to catch your new chick with sticky fingers. So the last dude thought you were a punching bag...stop threatening to call your cousins Day-Day and Mookie to come over and "handle" your new man every time he simply raises his voice. Those negative expectations that you dragged with you from the last relationship are going to destroy the new one! Forgiveness is key to give the new love a slight chance. After all, the person you refuse to forgive has most likely moved on...and isn't thinking about your bag-toting behind at all!

Humility

This is specifically for the ladies: Stop sizing a person up for what they drive and how much they bank in their 401K. Why does it matter if he has a college education or not...as long as he can provide and can hold an intelligent conversation. Stop worrying about your homegirls seeing you with the guy who slings boxes at UPS. The question is...is he good to you...does he listen to you....does he try his hardest to find a solution for your every problem...does he love you from your head to your toes? Don't compare a man to the man on your friend's arm. Her man may seem great, but he could be a woman-beater, a womanizer, on the down low, etc. Besides, the female friends who have rich men and huge rings on their fingers are miserable 9 times out of 10 and wish they had a man like yours who draws your bath, cleans the house the way you like it and keeps the kids out of your hair so that you can get some last minute work in before bed. Stop for a minute and examine the attractive, successful, intelligent women that you know...most of them are alone because they have too much pride and not enough humility.

Reflection

When many of us get out of a relationship, by our own volition or not, we tend to move on to the next without stopping to examine what part we played in the downfall. Many of us just blame the other person for being unfaithful, boring, or just plain crazy. I've skipped this step myself, opting to just move on as fast as possible and bury the last with the other past memories. With my last breakup, I decided to look at myself, to really come to terms with my blame, and I found that I was a bare-minumum chick. Sure, I was faithful and paid half the bills...but I was too selfish to go above and beyond. I went through one relationship for two years promising a back massage that I never gave...I was that selfish. In any case, whether it's selfishness or infidelity or lack of romance or any other countless things that a person can make habitual, we should look at them, pick them apart with a fine-toothed comb after the relationship has ended and vow to not take those habits with us to the next.

Where to get 'em...

If a person does not want to meet a prospective mate in a club or bar setting, where should s/he go to meet people of the opposite sex who are attractive, moderately successful and ready for something longer than a one-night stand? Are all club introductions doomed from the start? I would never even respond to men in the grocery store or Wal-Mart. It just always seemed so tacky. Every encounter that I entertained was in an organic setting, like at work, the guy you pass every day, or church, where you see the person every Sunday. Because when someone approaches you at the gas pump and says, "Hey, you lookin' good today? Can I take you out?", Doesn't that translate into, "Can I get in your drawls?" I'm just sayin...

The Heart vs. The Head

One of the themes in my book, No Ordinary Justice, is that the female character does not want the man who's good for her, but can't stop thinking about the one that just makes her feel good. Why won't the heart do what the head tells it to? Is it better to go with the "smart" choice for a relationship (someone who looks good on paper), or just throw caution to the wind and go with that "feeling" (someone who gives you butterflies), even if it's an enormous risk? If a person goes with the head, is it settling? If s/he goes with the heart, is it foolish?

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